lurkertech.com → webspeak

webspeak: infinite web techno-jargon generator

When securing venture funding for your internet startup, writing a spec, writing paragraphs for a patent application, or explaining your progress (or lack thereof) to your boss, it's often handy to have at your disposal massive amounts of meaningless technological web babble to fill space and confuse and distract the reader or listener. Here's a tool that will provide just what you need.

Just click here and let the nonsense flow...

Build Your Own!

You can create your own BS generator by clicking the button below and typing in your own words as explained in the instructions. Anything's possible: lawyer speak, Bush speak, Hillary speak, customer service speak, ... If you create an interesting or amusing generator, email it to me and I'll include it here with name credit. Thanks!

# webspeak

# ADJECTIVES
#
# for each adjective, type in:
#
# flags:adjective
#
# examples:
#
# an:awful
# a:red
#
# 'flags' is a list of the following words, separated by commas:
# - put 'a' if you can use the word like: 'a red ...'
# - put 'an' if you can use the word like: 'an awful ...'
# in some cases (e.g 'best', 'brightest'), you will have neither
#
BEGIN:adj

:best
:most sophisticated
:most elegant
an:elegant
an:extensible
a:non-standard
a:standard
an:improved
a:better
a:lightweight
a:featue-packed
an:awesome
a:revolutionary
a:competitive
an:open-source
a:CC-licensed
an:LGPL'ed
a:l33t
a:big-company
an:established
a:configurable
a:skinnable
an:open-ended
a:productized
a:public domain
a:quality-checked
an:extreme-programming-assured
an:object-oriented
a:mobile
a:hosted
a:design-led
a:design-driven
a:code-reviewed
a:legacy
a:mobile-generation
a:next-generation
a:zero-defect

a:DOM-aware
an:XHTML-compliant
an:HTML-based
a:browser-hosted
a:load-balanced
a:colocated
a:hosted
an:offline
an:online
a:digital
an:embedded
a:high-performace
an:integrated
an:interactive
a:command-line
a:do-it-all
an:interoperable
a:media-rich
a:Web 2.0
a:scriptable
an:AJAX-enabled
a:real-time
a:reconfigurable
a:scalable
a:shared
a:virtual
an:emulated
a:technological
a:user-friendly
a:Linux-based
an:embedded
a:Windows-based
a:Perl
a:Ruby on Rails
a:Python
a:C
a:C++
a:SQL
a:PHP
a:XML
a:mysql
a:social bookmarking
an:IM
an:alpha
a:beta
a:late-beta
a:run-time
a:compile-time
an:on-the-fly
a:just-in-time
a:kernel
a:resource-constrained
a:balls-on dead-accurate

# ADVERBS
#
# list adverbs, one per line
#
BEGIN:adv

boldly
bravely
easily
efficiently
eventually
inevitably
probably
rapidly
swiftly
effortlessly
really
seriously

(soon to be released in beta)
(using the latest in mobile web technology)

# INTERJECTIONS
#
# list interjections, one per line
#
# these will be sporadically inserted into sentences
#
BEGIN:interj

(according to the l33t h8krz I talked to)
(as seen on Slashdot last week)
(and by the way this is all on the blog)
(as you will find out at the next flash mob)
(which you would know if you were one of us)
(obviously)
(it's already been on Boing Boing)
(of course)
(duh!)

# NOUNS
#
# for each noun, type in:
#
# flags:singular form:plural form
#
# examples:
#
# a,the:cat:cats
# an,the:apple:apples
# just:Google:
# just:synergy:
# the,just::gallows
#
# 'flags' is a list of the following words, separated by commas:
# - put 'the' if you can use the word like: 'the cat'
# - put 'a' if you can use the word like: 'a cat'
# - put 'an' if you can use the word like: 'an apple'
# - put 'just' if you can use the word by itself, e.g. 'synergy'
# you must put at least one, and you can put more than one.
#
# 'singular form' is the noun in singular form.
# leave it blank if there is no singular form, as in 'gallows' above.
#
# 'plural form' is the noun in plural form.
# leave it blank if there is no plural form, as in 'Google' above.
# as a shorthand, you can type just 's' for plural form if it's
# made by just tacking an 's' on the singular form, as in:
#
# a,the:cat:s
# an,the:apple:s
#
# here is how the flags apply to the plural form:
# - if you put 'the', we assume you can use 'the cats'
# - regardless of whether you put 'just', as assume you can use 'cats'
# - of course you cannot use 'a' or 'an' with the plural form.
#
BEGIN:noun

the,just:code:
the,just:source code:s
the,a:test case:s
the,a:blog:s
the,a:program:s
the,a:hack:s
the,a:heuristic:s
the,an:application:s
the,a:plug-in:s
the,a:website:s
the,a:script:s
the,an:applet:s
the,a:servlet:s
the,an:enterprise bean:s
the,a:component:s
the,a:database server:s
the,a:server:s
the,a:client:s
the,a:browser:s
the,a:host:s
the,a:VM:s
the,a:search engine:s
the,a:bookmark:s
the,a:platform:s
the,a:protocol:s
the,a:chat room:s
the,an:AOL moron:s
the,a:neophyte:s
the,a:root user:s
the,a:rootkit:s
the,a:web application framework:s
a:toolkit:s
a:web interface:s
an:interface:s
the,a:schema:s
the,an:authoring tool:s
the,an:internet service provider:s
the,a:tier-1 provider:s
the,a:content provider:s
the,a:killer app:s

just,the,a:UI:

just:FireFox:
just:Internet Explorer:
just:Opera:
just:OpenOffice
just:Office
just:Vista

the,a:web browser:s
the,a:web site:s
the,a:zero bug count objective:
the:web:
the:world wide web:
just:web authoring:
just:webmonkeying:
the,a:functionality document:s
the,a:specification:s
the,a:design spec:s
the,a:user scenario:s
the,a:use case:s
just:bandwidth:
the,just:architecture:s
the,a:functionality freeze:
the,a:bug:s
the,a:feature:s
just:feature creep:
the,a:bug report:s

# these are too off-topic because they
# are not tech items per se.
# somehow do these in sentences or verbs?
# the,a:ship date:s
# the,a:deliverable:s
# the,a:schedule:s
# the,a:deadline:s
# the,just:product and feature availability:
# the,a:release cycle:s
# just:quality control:
# the,a:sanity check:s
# the,just:QA:
# the,a:three-week beta release:s
# the,just:live testing:

just:HTML:
just:content creation:
just:content sweetening:
just:web integration:
just:media authoring:
just:digital publishing:
just:game authoring:
just:search-engine optimization:
just:web consulting:
the,just:eye candy:
the,just:integration:
the:internet:
the,just:look and feel:
the,a:next-generation system:s
the,an:open architecture:s
the,a:development initiative:s
the,a:scripting language:s
the,a:suite of tools:
the,a:system:s
the,a,just:technology:technologies
a:user interface:s
the,a:GUI:s
an,the:operating system:s

the,a:constraint:s
the,a:context:s
the,a:customer:s
the,a:customer base:s
the,just:customer service:
the,a,just:dialogue:s
the,a,just:disclosure:s
the,an:environment:s
the,an:executive:s
the,a:manager:s
the,just:feedback:
the,just:focus:
the,a:goal:s
the,a:guesstimate:s
the,a:wag:s
the,an:objective:s
the,a:plan:s
the,an,just:opportunity:opportunities
the,a:product line:s
the,just:progress:
a:reality check:
the,a:warning flag:s
the,a:core dump:s
the,a:scenario:s
the,a:principle:s
a:debugger:s
the,just:debugging:
a:compiler:s
an:assembler:s
an:emulator:s
the,a:time frame:s
the,a:transition plan:s
the,a:group:s

# VERBS
#
# for each verb, type in:
#
# to <verb>:you <verb>:he <verbs>:flags
#
# examples:
#
# to agree:you agree:he agrees:intrans
# to agree on:you agree on:he agrees on:trans
# to eat:you eat:he eats:trans,intrans
# to have:you have:he has:trans
# :you will not:he will not:helping
# :you are going to:he is going to:helping
#
# 'flags' is a list of the following words, separated by commas:
# - put 'trans' if you can put an object after the verb like:
# 'eat corn' or 'eat me'
# - put 'intrans' if you can use the verb without an object, like: 
# 'eat' or 'grow' or 'increase'
# - put 'helping' if you can use the verb as a helping verb,
# meaning that you can put another verb after it, like:
# 'are not' in 'you are not fishing' or
# 'will' in 'you will eat'
# you must put at least one, and you can put more than one.
#
# as a shorthand, you can leave the 'you <verb>' blank
# if it is the same as the infinitive.
#
# as a shorthand, you can specify just 's' for the 'he <verb>'
# form if it is the same as the 'you <verb>' form plus an 's'
# in the first word, as in:
# 'you eat' -> 'he eats'
# 'you pick the best of' -> 'he picks the best of'
#
# for verbs that are only helping verbs, you can leave the
# infinitive form blank, as it is ignored.
#
# we don't do past participles (except in sentences).
# all verb negation must be in helping verbs (or sentences).
#
BEGIN:verb

to be:you are:he is:trans
to be:you are:he is:trans
to be:you are:he is:trans

to have:you have:he has:trans
to have:you have:he has:trans
to have:you have:he has:trans
to have:you have:he has:trans
to have:you have:he has:trans
to have:you have:he has:trans
to have:you have:he has:trans

:you can:he can:helping
:you can not:he can not:helping
:you are going to:he is going to:helping
:you are not going to:he is not going to:helping
:you will:he will:helping
:you will not:he will not:helping

# can't do this, because of 'did not be'
# :you did:he did:helping
# :you did not:he did not:helping

:you can hardly help but to:he can hardly help but to:helping

to be better than:you are better than:he is better than:trans
to be worse than:you are worse than:he is worse than:trans
to suck::s:intrans
to rock::s:intrans
to crash::s:trans,intrans
to blue-screen::s:trans,intrans
to brick::s:trans,intrans
to disable::s:trans
to harm::s:trans
to mess up::he messes up:trans
to cause bugs::s:intrans
to cause bugs with::s:trans
to mess with::he messes with:trans
to enable::s:trans
to prevent::s:trans
to allow::s:trans
to suck balls::s:intrans
to suck more than::s:trans
to suck less than::s:trans
to be faster than:you are faster than:he is faster than:trans
to be way slower than:you are way slower than:he is way slower than:trans
to be more elegant than:you are more elegant than:he is more elegant than:trans
to be less standard than:you are less standard than:he is less standard than:trans

to become::s:trans
to evolve into::s:trans
to create::s:trans,intrans

to ride the wave of::s:trans
to do the right thing about::he does the right thing about:trans
to encapsulate::s:trans
to delay::s:trans
to speed up::s:trans
to accelerate::s:trans
to drag down::s:trans
to give a green light to::s:trans
to give rise to::s:trans
to grow::s:trans,intrans
to improve the performance of::s:trans
to interface with::s:trans
to leverage::s:trans
to solve the problem::s:intrans
to provide an indication of::s:trans
to highlight the issue of::s:trans
to begin::s:trans
to end::s:trans
to activate::s:trans
to deactivate::s:trans
to step up to the challenge of::s:trans
to sync up with::s:trans
to take ownership of::s:trans
to utilize::s:trans
to use::s:trans
to work effectively::s:intrans
to work well on::s:trans
to fail::s:intrans
to succeed::s:intrans
to work poorly on::s:trans
to be compatible with:you are compatible with:he is compatible with:trans
to be incompatible with:you are incompatible with:he is incompatible with:trans

# SENTENCES
#
# these are the templates for building sentences, one per line.
# 
# each sentence can include these special tokens:
# [cat=sentence] full sentence (useful for bulleted lists and tables)
# [cat=clause]   full subject-verb(-object) clause
# [cat=nphrase]  noun phrase
# [cat=nphrase,num=plural] plural noun phrase
# [cat=nphrase,num=singular] singular noun phrase
# plus you can use any part of speech above, the most useful being:
# [cat=adj]
# [cat=adv]
#
BEGIN:sentence

[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause], so [cat=clause].
[cat=clause], so [cat=clause].
[cat=clause], so [cat=clause].
[cat=clause], so [cat=clause].
[cat=clause], so [cat=clause].
[cat=clause], which goes to show that [cat=clause].
[cat=clause], and [cat=clause].
[cat=clause], however [cat=clause].
[cat=clause], notwithstanding that [cat=clause].
[cat=clause], which leads us to believe that [cat=clause].
I think that [cat=clause].
as always, [cat=clause].
experienced coders all know that [cat=clause].
only an idiot would think that [cat=clause].
you'd have to be incredibly stupid to think that [cat=clause].
let's not deceive ourselves into thinking that [cat=clause].
can we really say that [cat=clause]?
it's obvious that [cat=clause], because [cat=clause] and [cat=clause].
anyone with half a brain would figure out that [cat=nphrase,num=singular] is [cat=adj].
obviously, we can conclude from [cat=nphrase] that [cat=clause].
before we can conclude that [cat=clause], we must be certain that [cat=clause].
if you know that [cat=clause], then you can check out [cat=nphrase] and see that [cat=clause].
if you can figure out [cat=nphrase], then [cat=nphrase] will assure us [cat=nphrase].
we must finish [cat=nphrase] so that [cat=clause].
having [cat=nphrase,num=singular] that is [cat=adj], it follows that [cat=clause].
having [cat=nphrase,num=plural] that are [cat=adj], it follows that [cat=clause].
why do you think [cat=clause]?  Because [cat=clause].
it used to be true that [cat=clause], however that's all changed, and now [cat=clause].
in the documentation it says [cat=clause] but actually [cat=clause].
the design of [cat=nphrase] is completely messed up, and as a result [cat=clause].
nobody can figure out why [cat=clause].
nobody understands [cat=nphrase] so [cat=clause].
we were all amazed to see that [cat=clause].
we need to make the issue of [cat=nphrase] lower priority.
we have to concentrate on [cat=nphrase].
management doesn't understand that [cat=nphrase,num=singular] leads to [cat=nphrase].
before we can get [cat=nphrase], we need [cat=nphrase], [cat=nphrase], and especially [cat=nphrase].
I read on Wikipedia that [cat=clause].
we're going to have to slip the schedule because of [cat=nphrase].
we're almost ready to ship [cat=nphrase].
we can finish [cat=nphrase] by implementing [cat=nphrase,num=singular], but it has to be both [cat=adj] and [cat=adj].
I need more sleep.
after all, you can't polish a turd.
we do [cat=nphrase] way better than anyone else, because [cat=clause].
you just don't get it, do you?
we keep asking why marketing wants [cat=nphrase] when [cat=clause].
as a company, we have never been good at [cat=nphrase].
so, [cat=clause].
[cat=clause], I think.
I seems that [cat=clause], but I'm not sure.
it could be that [cat=clause].
it's so clear that [cat=clause].
we are convinced that [cat=clause].
our schedule for [cat=nphrase] is ridiculous; we'll probably end up shipping [cat=nphrase] instead.
customers need [cat=nphrase], but we keep giving them [cat=nphrase].
we will [cat=adv] take over the [cat=adj] market for [cat=nphrase].
we have been looking into [cat=nphrase].
we are happy to see that [cat=clause].
since the last reorg, [cat=clause].
our team is completely blocked on [cat=nphrase].
we feel that [cat=nphrase] will enable [cat=nphrase].
we really need to start from scratch because [cat=clause].
the build is currently broken because [cat=clause].

ever since the IPO, [cat=clause].
although we haven't yet made it to release, I can say that [cat=clause].
this year, in his keynote about [cat=nphrase], Bill Gates said "[cat=clause]."
now we know Steve Jobs was full of it when he said that [cat=clause].
visionaries like Gordon Moore and Bono believe that [cat=clause].
if we we had the resources of Google, [cat=clause].
our third parties tell us that [cat=clause].
[cat=nphrase,num=singular] is not in the manual, but [cat=clause].
[cat=nphrase,num=singular] was not to spec.
[cat=nphrase,num=plural] were not even in the spec, so [cat=clause].

in summary:<ul><li>[cat=sentence]<li>[cat=sentence]<li>[cat=sentence]</ul>
we know for certain that:<ul><li>[cat=clause]<li>[cat=clause]<li>[cat=clause]<li>[cat=clause]</ul>
[cat=nphrase,num=singular] consists of:<ol><li>[cat=nphrase]<li>[cat=nphrase]<li>[cat=nphrase]<li>[cat=nphrase]</ol>
[cat=nphrase,num=plural] include:<ol><li>[cat=nphrase]<li>[cat=nphrase]<li>[cat=nphrase]<li>[cat=nphrase] ([cat=clause])<li>[cat=nphrase]</ol>

as the document on [cat=nphrase] clearly states:<blockquote>[cat=sentence][cat=sentence]</blockquote>

#
# CODE
#
# This section is more advanced, so you may want to skip it
# unless you like playing with JavaScript code.
#
# This section is what defines the overall HTML page layout,
# with images, fonts, etc.  It is JavaScript code that gets
# eval()ed; the value of the last statement is used as 
# HTML and printed using document.write().
#
# In the context where this code is eval()ed, there is a
# variable 'x' of type xspeak, which can be used to request
# nonsense words, paragraphs, sentences, etc.  The most
# useful function is x.gets(cat) where cat is one of the
# tokens you see under "SENTENCES" above, like
# "cat=nphrase" or "cat=sentence".
#
# There are also some utility functions available like
# celt() and picker() which help in page creation.
#
# You can just follow the model or check out the source at:
#
#   http://lurkertech.com/xspeak.js
#
# which is freely distributed under the terms of the GNU AGPL.
#
BEGIN:code

var logos = new picker('numbered', "images/logos/%03d.jpg", 12);
var figures = new picker('numbered', "images/figures/%03d.jpg", 12);

var figure_no = 10;

var title = x.gets('cat=nphrase/capitalize');

var html = '';

figure_no++;
 }
 
 html += x.gets('cat=paragraph') + '';
}

celt('title', {}, 1, title) +
celt('div', 
 {
 style: 'font-family: trebuchet ms, monaco, sans-serif; ' +
 'font-size: 12pt'
 }, 0,
 celt('center', {}, 0,
 celt('table',
 {
 border: 0,
 cellpadding: 4,
 cellspacing: 4,
 width: 650
 }, 0,
 celt('tr', { bgcolor: '#FFFFCC' }, 0,
 celt('td', { colspan: 2 }, 0,
 celt('div', 
 {
 style: 'font-size: 18pt; ' +
 'background-color: #FFFFCC'
 }, 1, 'Design Specification'))) +
 celt('tr', { valign: 'middle' }, 0,
 celt('td', { align: 'left', nowrap: undefined }, 0, 
 celt('b', {}, 1, 'Date: ') +
 new Date().toString().replace(/GMT.*/, '') + ' ' +
 celt('b', {}, 1, 'Version: ') +
 (irandom(99) / 10) + '-' + 
 html_escape(
 x.gets('cat=noun,num=singular/capitalize')) +
 ' ' +
 celt('b', {}, 1, 'Project: ') +
 html_escape(title) + ' ' +
 celt('b', {}, 1, 'Group: ') +
 x.gets('cat=nphrase/capitalize') + ' dev team'
 ) +
 celt('td', { align: 'right' }, 0,
 selt('img',
 { 
 src: logos.pick_one(),
 border: 0
 }))) +
 celt('tr', {}, 0,
 celt('td', { colspan: 2 }, 0,
 html)))));

The source code to the generator, xspeak.js, is also available unobfuscated, and you are welcome to copy, modify, and distribute it (along with the configuration file from this page) under the terms of the GNU AGPL.

History

Webspeak is an adaptation of corpspeak, a skunkworks hack I wrote around 1991. Check out that page for more history and details.

Submit This Site

Like what you see?
Help spread the word on social media:

Support This Site

I created this site and made it available free to all readers. If you have found it helpful or amusing, please support the effort, and future updates, in one of these ways:

donate now

Use your credit card or PayPal to donate in support of the site.

get anything from amazon.com
Use this link to Amazon—you pay the same, I get 4%.

get my thai dictionary app
Learn Thai with my Talking Thai-English-Thai Dictionary app: iOS, Android, Windows.

get my thai phrasebook app
Experience Thailand richly with my Talking Thai-English-Thai Phrasebook app.

get my chinese phrasebook app
Visit China easily with my Talking Chinese-English-Chinese Phrasebook app.

get thailand fever
I co-authored this bilingual cultural guide to Thai-Western romantic relationships.

See Also

You'll probably also like these sites...

homeland security threat chart
Ever wonder what Homeland Security conditions green to red really mean?

buzzword bingo: now with Web 2.0!
Discover the answer to meetings—Tom Davis's buzzword bingo.

corpspeak
Out-BS your boss: generate endless corporate bullshit with corpspeak.

bill the borg
Resistance is futile—you will be assimilated. Check out my 1994 image.

free music from MusicWithoutEnd™
IRS, United Airlines, Bank of America launch free online music service.

Copyright

Submit This Site

Like what you see?
Help spread the word on social media:

Support This Site

I created this site and made it available free to all readers. If you have found it helpful or amusing, please support the effort, and future updates, in one of these ways: