lurkertech.com → corpspeak

corpspeak: infinite corporate bullshit generator

Why waste time hiring PR departments, speech writers, and, for that matter, management, when you can get endless amounts of meaningless corporate bullshit right here? It's perfect for your next memo, press release, reorg meeting, or strategy document.

Your paradigm shift is just a button click away...

Build Your Own!

You can create your own BS generator by clicking the button below and typing in your own words as explained in the instructions. Anything's possible: lawyer speak, Bush speak, Hillary speak, customer service speak, ... If you create an interesting or amusing generator, email it to me and I'll include it here with name credit. Thanks!

# corpspeak

# ADJECTIVES
#
# for each adjective, type in:
#
# flags:adjective
#
# examples:
#
# an:awful
# a:red
#
# 'flags' is a list of the following words, separated by commas:
# - put 'a' if you can use the word like: 'a red ...'
# - put 'an' if you can use the word like: 'an awful ...'
# in some cases (e.g 'best', 'brightest'), you will have neither
#
BEGIN:adj

:best
:most sophisticated
a:best-of-breed
a:best-of-class
a:six-sigma
an:enabling
an:extensible
an:impactful
a:bleeding-edge
a:leading-edge
a:cutting-edge
a:lightweight
a:mind-blowing
a:proactive
a:revolutionary
a:standard
a:task-driven
a:task-oriented
a:competitive
a:compliant
a:corporate
a:customer
an:emerging
an:enabling
an:enterprise
an:established
an:extensible
a:first-class
a:fiscal
a:lightweight
a:mind-blowing
an:open-ended
a:proactive
a:productized
a:quality-assured
a:quality-oriented
a:revolutionary
a:solutions-oriented
a:soup-to-nuts
a:state-of-the-art
a:strategic
a:synergistic
a:team
a:team-building
a:teamwork-oriented
a:team-oriented
a:value-added
a:win-win
a:world-class
a:design-led
a:design-driven
a:legacy
a:new-generation
a:zero-defect-generation
a:mobile
a:ubiquitous

# ADVERBS
#
# list adverbs, one per line
#
BEGIN:adv

boldly
bravely
easily
efficiently
eventually
inevitably
probably
rapidly
swiftly
effortlessly
really
fiscally

# INTERJECTIONS
#
# list interjections, one per line
#
# these will be sporadically inserted into sentences
#
BEGIN:interj

(according to the latest polls)
(as seen on YouTube)
(and by the way this is all on our website)
(as you will hear at the next shareholder's meeting)
(in a manner unique to our company)
(obviously)
(of course)
(as explained in our annual report)
—never before so advanced—

# NOUNS
#
# for each noun, type in:
#
# flags:singular form:plural form
#
# examples:
#
# a,the:cat:cats
# an,the:apple:apples
# just:Google:
# just:synergy:
# the,just::gallows
#
# 'flags' is a list of the following words, separated by commas:
# - put 'the' if you can use the word like: 'the cat'
# - put 'a' if you can use the word like: 'a cat'
# - put 'an' if you can use the word like: 'an apple'
# - put 'just' if you can use the word by itself, e.g. 'synergy'
# you must put at least one, and you can put more than one.
#
# 'singular form' is the noun in singular form.
# leave it blank if there is no singular form, as in 'gallows' above.
#
# 'plural form' is the noun in plural form.
# leave it blank if there is no plural form, as in 'Google' above.
# as a shorthand, you can type just 's' for plural form if it's
# made by just tacking an 's' on the singular form, as in:
#
# a,the:cat:s
# an,the:apple:s
#
# here is how the flags apply to the plural form:
# - if you put 'the', we assume you can use 'the cats'
# - regardless of whether you put 'just', as assume you can use 'cats'
# - of course you cannot use 'a' or 'an' with the plural form.
#
BEGIN:noun

the,a:90% solution:s
the,a:hit:s
the,an:alliance:s
the,a,just:benefit:s
the:big picture:
the,a:big win:s
the,a:challenge:s
just:closure:
the,a:committee:s
just:communication:
the,a:constraint:s
the,a:context:s
the,a:core competency:core competencies
the,a:big deal:s
the,a:corporate titan:s
the,a:corporation:s
the,a:critical path:s
the,a:culture change:s
the,a:customer:s
the,a:customer base:s
just:customer focus:
the,a:customer partnership:s
the,a:dealer channel:s
the,a:deliverable:s
the,a,just:dialogue:s
the,a,just:disclosure:s
the,a:drop dead date:s
just:each of you:all of you
just:each and every one of you:
just:empowerment:
the,an:environment:s
just:excellence:
just:execution:
the,an:executive:s
the,an:executive advisory board:s
the,just:feedback:
the,just:focus:
the,a:gating factor:s
the,a:geography:geographies
the,a,just:get-it-done attitude:s
the,a:goal:s
the,a:growth year:s
the,a:guesstimate:s
the,a,just:headcount readjustment:s
the,a:horizontal market:s
the,a,just:human resource allocation:s
the,a:key player:s
the,a:leadership position:s
the:light at the end of the tunnel:
the,a:major player:s
the,a:merger:s
just:mindshare:
the,a:mission:s
the,an:objective:s
the,a:one-on-one:
the,just:ongoing support for increased productivity:
the,an,just:opportunity:opportunities
the,just:ownership of vertical markets:
the,a:paper trail:
the,a:paradigm shift:s
the,a:partnership:s
the,a:price point:s
the,a:product line:s
the,just:progress:
a:reality check:
the,a:red flag:s
the,a:relationship:s
the,a,just:resolution:s
the,just:revenue:s
the,a:scenario:s
the,a:schedule:s
just:signage:
the,a:skill set:s
the,a:solution:s
the,just:staffing:
the,a,just:strategy:strategies
the,a:sweet spot:s
the,just:synergy:synergies
the,a:tangent:s
the,a:team:s
the,a:team player:s
the,just:teamwork:
the,a:time frame:s
the,a:transition phase:s
the,a:workgroup:s
the,a:writeoff:s
just:operating capital:
just:venture capital:
a,the:guiding principle:s
a,the:mission statement:s
just:total quality management (TQM)

# VERBS
#
# for each verb, type in:
#
# to <verb>:you <verb>:he <verbs>:flags
#
# examples:
#
# to agree:you agree:he agrees:intrans
# to agree on:you agree on:he agrees on:trans
# to eat:you eat:he eats:trans,intrans
# to have:you have:he has:trans
# :you will not:he will not:helping
# :you are going to:he is going to:helping
#
# 'flags' is a list of the following words, separated by commas:
# - put 'trans' if you can put an object after the verb like:
#     'eat corn' or 'eat me'
# - put 'intrans' if you can use the verb without an object, like: 
#     'eat' or 'grow' or 'increase'
# - put 'helping' if you can use the verb as a helping verb,
#   meaning that you can put another verb after it, like:
#     'are not' in 'you are not fishing' or
#     'will' in 'you will eat'
# you must put at least one, and you can put more than one.
#
# as a shorthand, you can leave the 'you <verb>' blank
# if it is the same as the infinitive.
#
# as a shorthand, you can specify just 's' for the 'he <verb>'
# form if it is the same as the 'you <verb>' form plus an 's'
# in the first word, as in:
#   'you eat' -> 'he eats'
#   'you pick the best of' -> 'he picks the best of'
#
# for verbs that are only helping verbs, you can leave the
# infinitive form blank, as it is ignored.
#
# we don't do past participles (except in sentences).
# all verb negation must be in helping verbs (or sentences).
#
BEGIN:verb

to be:you are:he is:trans
to be:you are:he is:trans
to be:you are:he is:trans

to have:you have:he has:trans
to have:you have:he has:trans
to have:you have:he has:trans
to have:you have:he has:trans
to have:you have:he has:trans
to have:you have:he has:trans
to have:you have:he has:trans

:you can:he can:helping
:you can not:he can not:helping
:you are going to:he is going to:helping
:you are not going to:he is not going to:helping
:you will:he will:helping
:you will not:he will not:helping

# can't do this, because of 'did not be'
# :you did:he did:helping
# :you did not:he did not:helping

:you can hardly help but to:he can hardly help but to:helping

to become::s:trans
to evolve into::s:trans
to agree to disagree::s:intrans
to agree to disagree on::s:trans
to attack the problem of::s:trans
to bite the proverbial bullet::s:intrans
to blow them away::s:intrans
to blow them away with::s:trans
to ride the wave of::s:trans
to close the loop on the issue of::s:trans
to continue to realize the benefits of::s:trans
to create::s:trans,intrans
to do the right thing about::he does the right thing about:trans
to empower::s:trans
to enable::s:trans
to encapsulate::s:trans
to engender::s:trans
to enhance::s:trans
to ensure::s:trans
to establish an action item for::he establishes an action item for:trans
to table an action item for::s:trans
to get up to speed on::s:trans
to get your input on::s:trans
to give a clear channel towards::s:trans
to give rise to::s:trans
to grow::s:trans
to help us in the concepting of::s:trans
to impact::s:trans
to improve the performance of::s:trans
to interface with::s:trans
to leverage::s:trans
to make it happen::s:intrans
to provide an indication of::s:trans
to raise a flag over::s:trans
to ramp up progress on::s:trans
to sign off on::s:trans
to sign up for::s:trans
to step up to the challenge of::s:trans
to sync up with::s:trans
to take ownership of::s:trans
to take the initiative::s:intrans
to take the issue off-line::s:intrans
to touch base on::he touches base on:trans
to utilize::s:trans
to work effectively::s:intrans
to follow through on the issue of::s:trans
to knock your socks off::s:intrans
to pass the baton concerning::he passes the baton concerning:trans
to ramp up progress on::s:trans
to succeed::he will succeed:intrans
to fast-track::s:trans

# SENTENCES
#
# these are the templates for building sentences, one per line.
# 
# each sentence can include these special tokens:
# [cat=clause]   full subject-verb(-object) clause
# [cat=nphrase]  noun phrase
# [cat=nphrase,num=plural] plural noun phrase
# [cat=nphrase,num=singular] singular noun phrase
# plus you can use any part of speech above, the most useful being:
# [cat=adj]
# [cat=adv]
#
BEGIN:sentence

[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause].
[cat=clause], so [cat=clause].
[cat=clause], so [cat=clause].
[cat=clause], so [cat=clause].
[cat=clause], so [cat=clause].
[cat=clause], so [cat=clause].
[cat=clause], which goes to show that [cat=clause].
[cat=clause], and [cat=clause].
[cat=clause], however [cat=clause].
[cat=clause], notwithstanding that [cat=clause].
[cat=clause], which leads us to believe that [cat=clause].
I think that [cat=clause].
as always, [cat=clause].
experienced business people all know that [cat=clause].
[cat=nphrase,num=singular]—which is [cat=adj]—is going to have to be [cat=adj] because [cat=clause].
let us not deceive ourselves into thinking that [cat=clause].
can we indeed say that [cat=clause]?
surely, we can conclude that [cat=nphrase,num=singular] indicates that [cat=clause].
surely, we can conclude that [cat=nphrase,num=plural] indicate that [cat=clause].
in order to assure that [cat=clause], we must be certain that [cat=clause].
having first verified that [cat=clause], a careful examination of [cat=nphrase] reveals that [cat=clause].
if we can foresee the benefits of [cat=nphrase], then [cat=nphrase] will assure us [cat=nphrase].
we must put [cat=nphrase] in place so that [cat=clause].
we want to be nothing if not [cat=adj].
having [cat=nphrase,num=singular] that is [cat=adj], it follows that [cat=clause].
having [cat=nphrase,num=plural] that are [cat=adj], it follows that [cat=clause].
why do you think [cat=clause]?  Because [cat=clause].
it used to be true that [cat=clause], however thanks to detailed marketing studies we have found that [cat=clause].
[cat=clause] and in view of the fact that [cat=clause] we clearly can conclude that [cat=clause].
we are all impressed to see that [cat=clause].
clearly we need to take the issue of [cat=nphrase] offline.
a take-home lesson is that [cat=nphrase,num=singular] leads to [cat=nphrase].
leading indicators would seem to suggest that [cat=clause].
a major stretch goal for this fiscal quarter is [cat=nphrase].
we're making forward progress towards [cat=nphrase] by implementing [cat=nphrase,num=singular] that is both [cat=adj] and [cat=adj].
truly we must.
we will [cat=adv] take the lead in [cat=nphrase], only to speed ahead of the pack in the [cat=adj] field of [cat=nphrase].
now what was I saying?
in order to obtain [cat=nphrase], we took a close look at [cat=nphrase,num=singular] to understand what it means.
in order to obtain [cat=nphrase], we took a close look at [cat=nphrase,num=plural] to understand what they mean.
as a company, we have a firm grip on [cat=nphrase].
so, [cat=clause].
it's so clear that [cat=clause].
we are convinced that [cat=clause].
customers need [cat=nphrase], and we fulfill that need with [cat=nphrase].
we will [cat=adv] take over the [cat=adj] market for [cat=nphrase].
we have been looking into [cat=nphrase].
we are pleased to announce that [cat=clause].
thanks to the recent reorganization, [cat=clause].
we feel that [cat=nphrase] will enable [cat=nphrase].
we're going forward on [cat=nphrase].
we're on schedule for [cat=nphrase].
Testing "[cat=clause/cap]."
as a leading analyst indicated in a recent report about [cat=nphrase], "[cat=clause/cap]."
our vice president has even said that "[cat=clause/cap]."

#
# CODE
#
# This section is more advanced, so you may want to skip it
# unless you like playing with JavaScript code.
#
# This section is what defines the overall HTML page layout,
# with images, fonts, etc.  It is JavaScript code that gets
# eval()ed; the value of the last statement is used as 
# HTML and printed using document.write().
#
# In the context where this code is eval()ed, there is a
# variable 'x' of type xspeak, which can be used to request
# nonsense words, paragraphs, sentences, etc.  The most
# useful function is x.gets(cat) where cat is one of the
# tokens you see under "SENTENCES" above, like
# "cat=nphrase" or "cat=sentence".
#
# There are also some utility functions available like
# celt() and picker() which help in page creation.
#
# You can just follow the model or check out the source at:
#
#   http://lurkertech.com/xspeak.js
#
# which is freely distributed under the terms of the GNU AGPL.
#
BEGIN:code

var logos = new picker('numbered', "images/logos/%03d.jpg", 7);
var figures = new picker('numbered', "images/figures/%03d.jpg", 15);

var title = x.gets('cat=nphrase/capitalize');

celt('title', {}, 1, title) +
celt('center', {}, 0,
     celt('table',
          {
              border: 0,
              cellpadding: 4,
              cellspacing: 4,
              width: 650
          }, 0,
          celt('tr', { bgcolor: '#cccccc' }, 0,
               celt('td', { colspan: 2 }, 0, '&nbsp;')) +
          celt('tr', { valign: 'middle' }, 0,
               celt('td', { align: 'left', nowrap: undefined }, 0, 
                    celt('div', 
                         {
                             style: 'font-family: impact, sans-serif; ' +
                                 'font-size: 48pt'
                         }, 1, 'PRESS RELEASE') +
                    celt('div', 
                         {
                             style: 'font-family: impact, sans-serif; ' +
                                 'font-size: 24pt'
                         }, 1, 'FOR IMMEDIATE DISTRIBUTION')) +
               celt('td', { align: 'right' }, 0,
                    selt('img',
                         { 
                             src: logos.pick_one(),
                             border: 0
                         }))) +
          celt('tr', { bgcolor: '#cccccc' }, 0,
               celt('td', { colspan: 2 }, 0, '&nbsp;')) +
          celt('tr', {}, 0,
               celt('td', { colspan: 2 }, 0,
                    celt('div', 
                         {
                             style: 
                             'font-family: verdana, arial, sans-serif; ' +
                                 'font-size: 12pt'
                         }, 0,
                         celt('h4', {}, 1, 'Re: ' + title) +
                         celt('b', {}, 1,
                              'MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif ' +
                              '(BAnewswire, ' +
                              new Date().toString() +
                              '): ') +
                         x.gets('cat=paragraph') + '<P>' + 
                         selt('img',
                              {
                                  src: figures.pick_one(),
                                  border: 0,
                                  align: 'right',
                                  hspace: 8,
                                  vspace: 8
                              }) +
                         x.gets('cat=paragraph') + '<P>' + 
                         x.gets('cat=paragraph') + '<P>' + 
                         celt('h4', {}, 1, x.gets('cat=nphrase/capitalize')) +
                         selt('img',
                              {
                                  src: figures.pick_one(),
                                  border: 0,
                                  align: 'left',
                                  hspace: 8,
                                  vspace: 8
                              }) +
                         x.gets('cat=paragraph') + '<P>' + 
                         'Contact: Louis Semprini, ' +
                         'Corporate Internal Communications Coordinator' +
                         '')))));

The source code to the generator, xspeak.js, is also available unobfuscated, and you are welcome to copy, modify, and distribute it (along with the configuration file from this page) under the terms of the GNU AGPL.

History

Dating back to around 1991, this was a skunkworks hack I wrote while working at SGI. It was originally a command-line program but I created a web interface for it a few years later.

Since then, people have done some wacky things with corpspeak, such as hooking it up to a lava lamp random number generator so that it is guaranteed to produce visionary and paradigm-shifting corporate management insights, and startups that are sure to IPO.

In 2008, I updated this site using bleeding-edge Web 2.0 technologies, and added a setup file—webspeak—for those exact same technologies. That made it much better, of course.

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